cringe...

I just re-read an old post- really old, like 6 months ago- and I was ready to cringe and wish I had never put the thoughts out there in the open. I'm like that with opening up. I can literally feel like throwing up, I feel so vulnerable and wide open and naked when I let the private things in my head see daylight. But I actually liked this post. When I read it a second time:)
It made me see progress for myself, and bravery, and a deeper trust of God than just 6 months before. Just yesterday I finally took action on a problem I had been having for years and years and years. I prayed and thought and sought advice and knew it was time. Mostly in peace, I was able to do things I was scared of. I let myself see a choice, instead of feeling trapped. I took an honest look at what I REALLY wanted. I asked God what to do and waited for what He had to say. I put myself in the direct line of fire at work, ready to handle the consequences, no matter how hard the criticism was, or whether it all made me want to leave.
I AM checking my email constantly, waiting to hear back form my 3rd round of family members who have to weigh in on my request. I am nervous but it's not wrecking me today, leaving my stomach in knots, my nerves on edge, my temper ready to flare, my emotions raw. I am peacefully waiting, trying not to wonder what no response means. Despite how good I am at it, I am even trying not to assume what these other people are thinking about me.
I think I am a little better at feeling God around me, always there, ready to comfort me, but even more important, ready to FORTIFY me, make me strong, help me stand my ground. My wise old friend also encourages this in me, to stick to my principles and not be attached to an outcome. It's in the doing, in not how it all turns out.
I'm glad to have been brave, to have told myself that I deserve what i actually want.