cringe...

I just re-read an old post- really old, like 6 months ago- and I was ready to cringe and wish I had never put the thoughts out there in the open. I'm like that with opening up. I can literally feel like throwing up, I feel so vulnerable and wide open and naked when I let the private things in my head see daylight. But I actually liked this post. When I read it a second time:)
It made me see progress for myself, and bravery, and a deeper trust of God than just 6 months before. Just yesterday I finally took action on a problem I had been having for years and years and years. I prayed and thought and sought advice and knew it was time. Mostly in peace, I was able to do things I was scared of. I let myself see a choice, instead of feeling trapped. I took an honest look at what I REALLY wanted. I asked God what to do and waited for what He had to say. I put myself in the direct line of fire at work, ready to handle the consequences, no matter how hard the criticism was, or whether it all made me want to leave.
I AM checking my email constantly, waiting to hear back form my 3rd round of family members who have to weigh in on my request. I am nervous but it's not wrecking me today, leaving my stomach in knots, my nerves on edge, my temper ready to flare, my emotions raw. I am peacefully waiting, trying not to wonder what no response means. Despite how good I am at it, I am even trying not to assume what these other people are thinking about me.
I think I am a little better at feeling God around me, always there, ready to comfort me, but even more important, ready to FORTIFY me, make me strong, help me stand my ground. My wise old friend also encourages this in me, to stick to my principles and not be attached to an outcome. It's in the doing, in not how it all turns out.
I'm glad to have been brave, to have told myself that I deserve what i actually want.

Falling Into Place

Today started out badly. I got a horrible night's sleep because I ate too much, too late, last night. I have my period and feel out of sorts. I am crabby. I have lots of stress at work; seriously, people don't like me and keep criticizing me. I get up at 5 every day to feed my baby son- I LOVE doing this, but the lack of sleep is catching up with me. I hate going back to work and trusting other people (even if they are my parents) to take care of my kids "the right way." I planned on getting back to walking after I had my son, but time is so, so hard to come by. We have a trip to Disney in 2 months and I want to not only fit in my airplane seat, but feel skinny in it and while I am on this great vacation. I have been stress eating lately, a habit I thought I had kicked.
But tonight, all of the sudden, things came together for me and left me feeling peaceful and joy-filled and surrounded by God. It was a gorgeous fall night. I was reminded that I like working at the farm because of the people there (the people who I am NOT related to). I had done good work today and felt good about that. Everything on the radio seemed old to me so I thought I'd look for an old CD I had of Christian music- I opened right to it, the exact one I had been vaguely thinking of, and the first song made me sing so, so loud, praising God. The second song made me sing so, so loud, praising God and thanking him for my good life. Every song reminded me of a time not so long ago when I was happy and joyful. I realized- AN AHA MOMENT- that only God (not a Milky Way) could fill me that much, that well, that joyfully. Something clicked hard for me. I felt God make all those little things come together for me and I felt Him right there with me. All my cravings and emptiness went away.
When that happens, I feel like the happiest, most blessed person in the world. I don't need anything else to fill me when I have God (not even the brownies and cold milk in my kitchen...)

Beth's soundtrack

I unofficially named this year "The Year of Beth." I just finally felt it was time to be worthy of the good life I wanted and could see just barely out of reach. My good friend Robin said to me "Who are you to question God, that he did not make you perfect, just as you are? And that you are not EXACTLY where you are supposed to be on your path?" That let a thousand pounds roll off of me. And I felt like without all that guilt and doubt and self hatred there was a shining light, that felt joy and could radiate joy, and that was what my purpose was for now. Just to be, and to be happily!
So I figured that my year needed a soundtrack and I spent lots of time happily listening to music (oh, my iTunes bill...) and finding out who I was through what music spoke to me. It's cool to me that "Keep on Shinin" is my all time favorite song now, and so many other songs that fit me speak of light and shining and feeling your worth. Before this year, "shiny" was not a way I had ever thought of myself, and I had never thought I was "enough".
I just wanted to give a shout out of gratitude to the universe, for bringing me to this shiny, happy place. I am sending love and peace and joy out, knowing it will come back a thousand-fold.

Here we go again...

This blog is turning out to be quite a hard thing for me to do. It's not finding the time, or figuring out things to write about, but the belief that my life is interesting enough for someone else to want to read about. I love the intimate details of other people's lives; I am hooked on hearing about other people's kids, vacations, daily lives, dilemmas, internal musings. But to put my life out there, to make that leap of faith, and say that my life has as much substance, is turning out to be harder than I thought.
Lately I've been thinking that I spend too much time in my head, and it's the actions I take that will move me further 'on my path.' So here goes: I will post this and not worry that it isn't as clever as "teaching heart mom", or "cottage bethy", or "a moment of jen", or "three's company", "a study of schoolbooks and shoes" or "this mom's many hats". I'll have some faith and hope there's another woman out there that is trying to have a little more peace, a little more of a sense of her life. Is there someone else out there, that at this same moment is strangely obsessed with" Denise Richards: It's Complicated," is trying to make a Dora mermaid birthday party invitation for her soon-to-be 4 year old daughter, and just ate some brownies from Sam's Club that made her feel nauseous b/c she ate way too much of them? Here's hoping...